


Illegibly Writing

by Artemis_Phoenix



Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Comedy, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-24 15:37:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13814205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artemis_Phoenix/pseuds/Artemis_Phoenix
Summary: For the past six weeks, The Shield’s Dean Ambrose have been making himself sane by signing…colorful autographs with fans, until his game at a Kroger store near the arena in Little Rock makes staff and his teammates lose their minds.





	Illegibly Writing

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven’t, please read my fantasy AU _Warriors of The Onyx Millennium_. I would love some reviews on this as a new chapter will be forthcoming.
> 
> Until then, please enjoy this Shield-centric fic I posted originally on my tumblr around 2014. This was inspired by  
> an article posted on Tickld (Unforntunately that article is no longer there as of this writing:( ) about a man signing...a very colorful signature on a credit card receipt at a Walmart. 
> 
> I do not own everything. That includes the now former-then reunited members of The Shield. And Kroger.
> 
> Please review!!

After a WWE live event in Texas over the weekend, The Shield have become the media hounds of justice. Local news affiliates and a couple of radio stations, plus fangirl-infested autograph sessions wanted them.

WWE Monday Night RAW was live in San Antonio. The Shield was promoting the show at a Top 40 radio station in the morning. Dean was hungover from the night before partying and hanging out at strip clubs. He was not in a good mood, but he knew how to fake it. He flirted a bit with one of the female DJ’s, and Seth controlled him most of the time.

After their radio interview, it was the gym. There, a balding, overly-juiced up white man in his forties (who could’ve been Ryback’s dad), rudely asked the boys for an autograph and a picture. Dean grabbed the notepad from the man’s meaty hand and signed:

 

> j ζυγκεδ ψους ωjζε λαστ νjηθτ. τελλ θες το γαλλ με. :-)  
>  (I fucked your wife last night. Tell her to call me.)

Dean let out a huge grin as the man walked away. They got out of the gym, and Seth and Roman pondered about. “What did you do to make that guy happy at the gym?” Seth asked him.

“Have you ever gotten away with forging someone’s autograph or writing stupid shit while you’re paying at checkout with your debit card?” Dean smiled so widely, a couple of giggles slipped out.

“You up to something, ain’t you?” Roman cocked his head to the side and folded his arms. “Well, leave me out of it. I ain’t seen nothing, and I don’t know nothing.”

This game Dean was playing went on for six weeks. Every autograph session and every time he checked out at stores using his credit card, he would write along the lines of:

 

> CALL ME MAYBE  
>  TITTY MASTER  
>  CROTCHY MCCROTCHINGTON  
>  SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS  
>  I’M AN ICEHEAD  
>  THANKS FOR THE STUFF  
>  DARTH VADER  
>  MAURY, I AM NOT THE FATHER  
>  BIG DICK JOHNSON  
>  RANDY BORETON  
>  BOOTISTA  
>  THIS STORE SUCKS  
>  INSTABONHER  
>  PIMP DADDY  
>  YO MAMA  
>  FUCK YOU  
>  FUCK OFF  
>  I STOLE THIS  
>  JUSTIN BEIBER  
>  BARBARA STREISAND

This caught the ire of The Authority, especially the newly reunited Evolution members Triple H. Batista, and Randy Orton. It was bad enough that they were at their throats since WrestleMania, but with Dean writing such colorful autographs that didn’t fit their PG-friendly business, it was getting out of hand. Seth and Roman were getting annoyed and pissed off about it.

Before their show in Little Rock, Arkansas, The Shield made a pit stop at a Kroger’s store, buying a few items for the road after the show. The items were all on Dean, as they made their way to checkout. “Dean,” warned Seth, clenching his teeth, “don’t do anything stupid.”

When he swiped his credit card, it asked for a signature, and Dean did just that:

After pressing “ok”, there was a pause. The computer screen on the register said to compare signature to card. The female cashier didn’t really look at it right away, but she asked Dean to hand over his card. _Oh, fuck!_ Thought Seth as butterflies crept around in his stomach. _Dean if we end up in jail because of you, I swear to god!_

Dean handed over his card, and the cashier flipped it over, and compared it to the receipt. Her jaw dropped. Seth and Roman took a quick glance at it. Seth just slapped his forehead, while Roman tried to hold his laughter. “Sir, these signatures don’t match,” the cashier spoke to Dean in a very stern tone but it didn’t matter, even if he had to explain the purpose of signing an ejaculating cock and balls.

Suddenly, she paged the store manager and Dean roared hysterically in laughter. Seth started cussing him out, trying to calm down. The manager came over, and she started whispering to him. “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!” Seth yelled at them, livid, and couldn’t take it anymore. “DON’T KEEP THAT SHIT TO YOURSELVES WHEN YOU HAVE EVERYBODY HERE WATCHING!”

The store manager giggled as he saw the receipt, but remained professional. “Sir, this…signature…doesn’t match the one on your card,” he said to Dean in a thick Arkansan drawl.

“I know.” He let out a big shit-eating grin on his face. “There’s reason why. A very good reason.”

“You–

"YEAH, MY DUMBASS FRIEND DREW A COCK AND BALLS WITH CUM SHOOTING OUT ON YOUR CREDIT CARD MACHINE!!” yelled Seth as Roman fell on the floor, clutching his stomach in psychotic giggles and laughs, drawing attention from the customers. “BECAUSE HE’S TOO FUCKING LAZY TO SIGN HIS OWN NAME AND WANTS TO PISS PEOPLE OFF, AND WANTS TO SEE IF HE COULD GET THE COPS ON US OR SOMETHING!!”

“What the fuck, man?” whined Dean. “Why’re always such a fuckin’ pussy?!”

Seth groaned. “Dean, this has gone too fucking far! Six fucking weeks! If Hunter finds out–

"They ain’t gonna do nothing! Re-fucking-lax, Seth!”

“I guess you learned your lesson,” said the store manager.

“Yeah, the credit card’s a dyke!” Dean bluntly blurted out. while giving less of a fuck about the whole situation. Roman got up with tears flowing down his face, and Seth just stared at him.

“Okay, well, I’m going to decline the signature, and have you sign it again.”

“Thank you!” snorted Seth.

“This time, really sign it!” The store manager gave Dean the deadliest glare ever.

Dean signed his real name on the card and the boys left. Dean was a bit upset that they kept his “artwork”. “You got what you wanted now,” Seth scolded as they rode to the arena. “You better hope The Authority doesn’t find a way to punish us tonight.”

Dean scoffed. “That’s okay. Next time, I get a new card. Draw a dick and balls on it, and when they ask, I’ll just take out–

All of a sudden, they started arguing all the way to the arena.

  
**THE END.**

 


End file.
